Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Thursday's SUCK
JOHN BELJAN
This topic is so obvious I almost decided not to write anything on it. Who doesn't know that John sucks? I digress, though, as I feel I should take upon the challenge of detailing everything that sucks about John Beljan; it will be a vast and arduous undertaking.
First of all, look at this piece of shit:
Why would anyone want to hang out with such a waste of life? In this photo, John appears to be playing some invisible guitar next to a very frightened female. Not only did John make himself look like an utter moron in this photo, he mistakenly revealed his alone-time O-face: eyes closed with a goblin smirk, held whilst leaning to his right and pinching his miniscule penis between his thumb and middle finger. In trying to impress a girl with his best air-Hendrix imitation, John managed to show us all what he watches on his computer after he finishes recording himself rubbing one out to his favorite Hero, Hayden Panettiere.
Next, if we take this picture at face value, another orgasmic expression is revealed. What is this guy's problem, anyway? I think that "loose cannon" is too light of a label here. Should we just start calling him "Squirts"? Did you just eat a grape, or realize that Bruce Willis is dead at the end of The Sixth Sense, John? Regardless, we must give John the benefit of the doubt. Analysis of his angled head and neck suggests that John is--this should be of no shock--actually just waiting to receive a money shot from a person of normal height. Keep in mind that John towers a staggering 3 feet, 5 inches; short enough that the average adult male might easily rest his pleasure pouch directly on his forehead or chin. In this specific photo, I would wager that John is readying for a drop or two of his favorite drink from LeBron James or someone of similar stature.
Speaking of LeBron: please, NO ONE tell him that John is one of his biggest fans. I, along with the city of Cleveland, do not want to deal with the untimely suicide of one of the potential greatest basketball players of all time. LeBron has so much more to accomplish in his career and it would be a shame for him to take his life as a direct result of becoming aware of John's obsession.
Alright, seriously John? I went into writing this with enough respect to at least dedicate some of my time to write about how much you suck, but now I'm regretting it. This picture is just atrocious. I think that it really encompasses the depths of John's intelligence; depths as in the opposite of peaks; as in, John is dumb. I'm fairly certain that he is attempting to show the camera his current mental age. Alternatively, he could be demonstrating how, in his often infantile state of mental capacity and maturity, he would grasp a breast in order to nurse from it. After all, John is just a baby: constantly wining and bitching about everything (often in fits of tears), trying to put everything possible in his mouth, defecating liberally throughout his environment, and possessing little to no hair on his head.
As I'm sure most of you know, Alex Rodriguez just recently admitted that he took steroids previously in his career. I don't care what A-Rod was on -- I want to know what this motherfucker has been taking. As I mentioned previously, John is 3'5", so he suffers from Little-Man Syndrome. In other words, John has a Napoleonic complex, and thus must make himself appear to be jacked out of his mind by taking most performance-enhancing drugs available either legally or illegally (though an unnamed female source indicates he has not taken certain types of performance-enhancing drugs, despite asked repeatedly to do so). Unfortunately for John, this is all a facade: lying beneath his David-like exterior is an exceptionally weak bitch made of wind-dried linens and foul-smelling potpourri. John has no "fight or flight" instinct, instead relying entirely on the latter whenever the slightest bit of danger presents itself.
John is such a fragile, anemic individual that he amounts to the antitheses of many of the products he uses and consumes. Despite it being the name of his deodorant, John possesses no Swagger whatsoever. Fond of chunky peanut butter, John comes across to others as delicate and creamy--in the worst possible way. He enjoys spending a great deal of time pretending to be a football player in the game NCAA Football '09; in reality he amounts to the epitome of athletic failure: terrible at every sport except Professional Cocksucking (in which he won both the 2003 Rookie of the Year award and the 2005 Jizzer's Choice award), and so bad at soccer that his SISTER has infinitely more accomplishments at the collegiate level than he does.
For some delusional reason John seems to think that he will get a job upon graduation. This is laughable for two reasons: 1) John is grotesquely ugly and would not be hired by anything other than a traveling circus; and 2) his only relevant work experience was a co-op, which is what somebody does when they can't do something without the help of someone else. Even if--by some enormous oversight--John does get a job in his field, he will likely die in a chemical spill caused by his own incompetence within two years of starting his career. As long as this spill takes no other lives, it will be looked upon as beneficial to everyone but the company paying out the life insurance policies we were all smart enough to place on John from the moment we met him.
If John had been alive during pirate times (real pirates, not Somalian pirates), he would have been used as someone's peg leg or as a measuring device for tides. Seriously, I can't get over how short this guy is. It's a shame he was not alive during Archimedes' time, as instead of failing with mirrors, Archimedes could have used John's shiny bald head as a means of reflecting the sun's rays onto the sails of oncoming ships. John has frequently been used by theologians as an argument against evolution and natural selection, which is peculiar because he was also demonstrated numerous times as proof that intelligent design is a flawed and baseless theory. Similarly, people often wonder how a god could exist that allows terrible things like AIDS or cancer to infiltrate our lives. I contend that instead, those same people should wonder how someone like John Beljan could be created and allowed to continue to live under the supervision of a merciful god. Not only does John share a first name with the killer of Abraham Lincoln, he metaphorically lurks in the dark shadows of the theater that is our lives, waiting in dire anticipation to assassinate all that is good and respected.
Overall, John Beljan really sucks. He has ruined the lives of everyone he has ever come in contact with, leaving them broken shells of their former selves. John views women solely as objects toward which no affection should be shown except for the frequent times he exposes himself to them. He is short, horribly awful at anything related to academia, and thinks that "fag" is a term of endearment. He is quick to judge others, which is surprising knowing that he is terrible at everything. Quite frankly, it is a wonder that he has yet to be killed.
Unfortunately alive for 21 years: happy birthday, John.
This topic is so obvious I almost decided not to write anything on it. Who doesn't know that John sucks? I digress, though, as I feel I should take upon the challenge of detailing everything that sucks about John Beljan; it will be a vast and arduous undertaking.
First of all, look at this piece of shit:
Why would anyone want to hang out with such a waste of life? In this photo, John appears to be playing some invisible guitar next to a very frightened female. Not only did John make himself look like an utter moron in this photo, he mistakenly revealed his alone-time O-face: eyes closed with a goblin smirk, held whilst leaning to his right and pinching his miniscule penis between his thumb and middle finger. In trying to impress a girl with his best air-Hendrix imitation, John managed to show us all what he watches on his computer after he finishes recording himself rubbing one out to his favorite Hero, Hayden Panettiere.
John is never, ever going to get this.
Next, if we take this picture at face value, another orgasmic expression is revealed. What is this guy's problem, anyway? I think that "loose cannon" is too light of a label here. Should we just start calling him "Squirts"? Did you just eat a grape, or realize that Bruce Willis is dead at the end of The Sixth Sense, John? Regardless, we must give John the benefit of the doubt. Analysis of his angled head and neck suggests that John is--this should be of no shock--actually just waiting to receive a money shot from a person of normal height. Keep in mind that John towers a staggering 3 feet, 5 inches; short enough that the average adult male might easily rest his pleasure pouch directly on his forehead or chin. In this specific photo, I would wager that John is readying for a drop or two of his favorite drink from LeBron James or someone of similar stature.
Speaking of LeBron: please, NO ONE tell him that John is one of his biggest fans. I, along with the city of Cleveland, do not want to deal with the untimely suicide of one of the potential greatest basketball players of all time. LeBron has so much more to accomplish in his career and it would be a shame for him to take his life as a direct result of becoming aware of John's obsession.
Alright, seriously John? I went into writing this with enough respect to at least dedicate some of my time to write about how much you suck, but now I'm regretting it. This picture is just atrocious. I think that it really encompasses the depths of John's intelligence; depths as in the opposite of peaks; as in, John is dumb. I'm fairly certain that he is attempting to show the camera his current mental age. Alternatively, he could be demonstrating how, in his often infantile state of mental capacity and maturity, he would grasp a breast in order to nurse from it. After all, John is just a baby: constantly wining and bitching about everything (often in fits of tears), trying to put everything possible in his mouth, defecating liberally throughout his environment, and possessing little to no hair on his head.
As I'm sure most of you know, Alex Rodriguez just recently admitted that he took steroids previously in his career. I don't care what A-Rod was on -- I want to know what this motherfucker has been taking. As I mentioned previously, John is 3'5", so he suffers from Little-Man Syndrome. In other words, John has a Napoleonic complex, and thus must make himself appear to be jacked out of his mind by taking most performance-enhancing drugs available either legally or illegally (though an unnamed female source indicates he has not taken certain types of performance-enhancing drugs, despite asked repeatedly to do so). Unfortunately for John, this is all a facade: lying beneath his David-like exterior is an exceptionally weak bitch made of wind-dried linens and foul-smelling potpourri. John has no "fight or flight" instinct, instead relying entirely on the latter whenever the slightest bit of danger presents itself.
John is such a fragile, anemic individual that he amounts to the antitheses of many of the products he uses and consumes. Despite it being the name of his deodorant, John possesses no Swagger whatsoever. Fond of chunky peanut butter, John comes across to others as delicate and creamy--in the worst possible way. He enjoys spending a great deal of time pretending to be a football player in the game NCAA Football '09; in reality he amounts to the epitome of athletic failure: terrible at every sport except Professional Cocksucking (in which he won both the 2003 Rookie of the Year award and the 2005 Jizzer's Choice award), and so bad at soccer that his SISTER has infinitely more accomplishments at the collegiate level than he does.
For some delusional reason John seems to think that he will get a job upon graduation. This is laughable for two reasons: 1) John is grotesquely ugly and would not be hired by anything other than a traveling circus; and 2) his only relevant work experience was a co-op, which is what somebody does when they can't do something without the help of someone else. Even if--by some enormous oversight--John does get a job in his field, he will likely die in a chemical spill caused by his own incompetence within two years of starting his career. As long as this spill takes no other lives, it will be looked upon as beneficial to everyone but the company paying out the life insurance policies we were all smart enough to place on John from the moment we met him.
If John had been alive during pirate times (real pirates, not Somalian pirates), he would have been used as someone's peg leg or as a measuring device for tides. Seriously, I can't get over how short this guy is. It's a shame he was not alive during Archimedes' time, as instead of failing with mirrors, Archimedes could have used John's shiny bald head as a means of reflecting the sun's rays onto the sails of oncoming ships. John has frequently been used by theologians as an argument against evolution and natural selection, which is peculiar because he was also demonstrated numerous times as proof that intelligent design is a flawed and baseless theory. Similarly, people often wonder how a god could exist that allows terrible things like AIDS or cancer to infiltrate our lives. I contend that instead, those same people should wonder how someone like John Beljan could be created and allowed to continue to live under the supervision of a merciful god. Not only does John share a first name with the killer of Abraham Lincoln, he metaphorically lurks in the dark shadows of the theater that is our lives, waiting in dire anticipation to assassinate all that is good and respected.
Overall, John Beljan really sucks. He has ruined the lives of everyone he has ever come in contact with, leaving them broken shells of their former selves. John views women solely as objects toward which no affection should be shown except for the frequent times he exposes himself to them. He is short, horribly awful at anything related to academia, and thinks that "fag" is a term of endearment. He is quick to judge others, which is surprising knowing that he is terrible at everything. Quite frankly, it is a wonder that he has yet to be killed.
Unfortunately alive for 21 years: happy birthday, John.
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