Things That Suck

Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny

First, Santa

Consider this situation:

It's Friday, and you've just gotten your paycheck. You and your spouse's five year anniversary is coming up, so you want to get him or her something special, something so awesome that it will just blow that person away. You spend most of your check on that, not crippling your bank account but stretching yourself financially. You surprise him or her with the gift by leaving it in a location where you know that person will see it. He or she opens it, and is absolutely elated.

When you see him or her next, you essentially expect the hug and thanks of your life. Instead, your spouse praises that fat, bearded homeless guy you guys both saw while you walked to dinner downtown yesterday. The homeless guy happens to have a drinking problem, and you overheard him discussing his flying abilities with his small, elf-like companion.

How would you feel about this? I imagine a bit of jealously would start to creep up, and perhaps some anger. Why should someone completely unrelated to you get credit for all of your hard work and generosity?

Well, this happens every year, except the fat homeless guy doesn't really exist, but is probably slightly better dressed. This man is Santa Claus, a concoction whose purposes are to take credit from the deserving and make children question their parents sanity and credibility.

I don't want to lie to my children. If they ask me where babies come from, I will Google "vaginas" and grant them with my knowledge. If they ask me why two men are kissing, I will say because they love each other and because they're not going to heaven. However, I will likely cave and proliferate the notion of Santa Claus. I will do this due to societal pressures. If I had my way, I'd tell them that I bought their gifts. All of them. If I had my way, when they came home from school asking why everyone else was talking about what Santa got them for Christmas, this is what I'd say:

"I worked my ass off through college, applying for jobs, and the past six years trying to get promoted so I could buy your ungrateful ass this remote controlled purple Mazda Miata, which you will likely break in a week and which also likely indicates you will be gay by the age of 17. I want credit for this shit. I don't want some imaginary fat old guy, who keeps in his company an enslaved race of assumedly inbred elves, harbors flying animals who travel faster than any of our best air and spacecraft, possesses limitless wealth and resources, and whose existence is only slightly more plausible than that of God, to get credit for the debt into which I just plunged our family. You won't be able to afford college thanks to this! I want you to know it was me who did this, not a guy who breaks into our home regardless of its fortifications, uninvited, with intentions of looting our dairy products and baked goods."

I will not do this, but I will loathe not doing it. I will somehow avoid telling them that the circumstances under which they received gifts sounds much more plausible when explained as a drunk, aged criminal who happened to rob a Toys R' Us and wanted to exchange the stuff he stole for some food, but was too embarrassed to ask politely, so he found his way into our home through the chimney of all places, and performed the exchange while we all slept.

That is until they reach the age of 6, when I will brazenly shatter their dreams and reveal to them that I have been their provider of fun and toys for their entire lives, the Abel Magwitch to their Pip, (likely) without the whole convict thing, shitty accompanying storyline, and retardedly obtuse language.

The Easter Bunny

The Easter Bunny has nothing to do with Easter. Easter is all about Jesus' finale, when he blew everybody's minds and was like

SSSYYYYYYYYKKKKKKKKEEEEE, bitches!

Let's first approach this from a biological perspective: rabbits cannot lay eggs. The selection of the animal for this holiday was foolish and poorly planned. If it were me, since we're in the spirit of making things up, I would have picked a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yes, Cindy, the very same Tyrannosaurs Rex that managed to survive two mass extinctions and laid those massive eggs in our home last night, and in the homes of everyone else every Christian family in the country! Sounds similarly plausible, right? Or why not a platypus. Much cooler and more peculiar, and also educational.

Second, what is achieved by having children search for eggs in fields? Are we training future mine spotters, as if technological improvements will lead to mines being made of purple, pink, and green plastic and not be hidden under the ground? If we're going to do this, we might as well put some stationary machine guns in the same field, with live rounds, and make it done at night. This way, the poor, disadvantaged children whose parents could not afford night vision goggles wouldn't get any of the spoils.

Finally, how can a rabbit do all of this anyway? Rabbits don't even have opposable thumbs. At least a man is more capable of delivering presents than a semi-domesticated animal. Also, if it is a rabbit, why doesn't he free his companions upon entering homes with rabbits as pets? This is a heartless rabbit, one who does not care about his fellow man and lets him remain encaged and tortured by small children whom he rewards with candy; provided that they're not Muslim or Jewish, anyway.

Neither of these faux gift-givers are logical, so they suck.