Friday, November 28, 2008
Thanksgiving SUCK
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I have decided to write about several things that suck today. It's only fair to provide a vast (read: limited) selection of suckiness on a day that features vast amounts of food (you could read through the lines here and conclude that I just don't have a lot to say about one topic; I would not argue with you). Hopefully, this entry will not compare to turkey in that it induces sleep, but rather in some awkward, meaty, juicy comparison.
THANKSGIVING FOOTBALL GAMES
I really could cover this with the following:
BARRY SANDERS DOESN'T PLAY FOR THE LIONS ANYMORE, GODDAMNIT. SERIOUSLY YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, HE RETIRED LIKE 10 YEARS AGO AND THE LIONS HAVEN'T BEEN GOOD SINCE.
That's really all I need to say, but I'll continue... let's look at the scores of the three games played today:
Titans 47, Lions 10; Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9; Eagles 48, Cardinals 20
Seriously? I understand that it's now tradition to put the Lions on Thanksgiving day, but it's the same kind of tradition as beating up the scrawny kid in grade school every day who has too many freckles, too much asthma and not enough guns (yet). Everyone knows the result. Does whoever schedules these games think that the Lions would somehow provide even decent competition for any NFL team (excluding the Rams, of course)? Keep in mind, this is the same Lions team that just signed a quarterback with one knee who hasn't played a full season since 2004. The same team that had to do that to replace a guy named Dan Orlovsky (remember, that QB who ran out of the back of the end zone). The same team that has drafted a wide receiver with their first pick for, I think...the past 5 years. Sigh.
Again, tradition with the Cowboys. But why Seattle? They suck. Everyone knew they would suck. I'm pretty sure they had to sign homeless guys to play wideout, plus they have a bald quarterback. Terrible combination.
The Eagles/Cardinals game had some potential, but of course it was on NFL Network, so unless you have DirecTV or spend your Thanksgiving at a bar (so, I guess a lot of people), you probably didn't watch it. Well, don't worry, it sucked anyway. Kurt Warner decided not to throw touchdowns to my favorite fantasy player, Anquan Boldin, and consequently the Cardinals lost by 28. Oh, and cardinals and eagles and turkeys are birds, so, clearly this game made sense for Thanksgiving. I hate myself for making that comparison.
THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
Whoever watches this horseshit needs to identify themselves in public on a daily basis by wearing a shirt that says "I watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and promote the shittification of America." There is a litany of reasons why this event sucks:
LACK OF TURKEYS MADE OF ALL WHITE MEAT
Short and sweet here: man on the moon, cloning, black president, nuclear weapons. Turkeys still have dark meat. WTF, scientists?
THE JONAS BROTHERS
I have no idea who these guys are, but they suck. It is pathetic that we are not only tortured with terrible matchups on Thanksgiving day, but are then stabbed in the ears and eyes by abominations of music such as these hacks during a halftime performance. Not only can they not sing (though I must commend them for actually attempting to do so and not lip-syncing), their music is more generic than Nickelback's. I guess FOX decided that their main audience was the 9-15, female demographic, and not the 18-80, drunk male demographic. Did no one at FOX know that both of these demographics could be satisfied with a Miley Cirus performance? This seems obvious.
EVERY MOMENT JULIA NUNES IS NOT MY WIFE AND/OR LOVER
Julia, the love of my life, has yet to ask me to marry her. Don't be hesitant to click her name - it's just a link to a YouTube video showing the most amazing person to walk this earth performing Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows on a ukelele, melodica, and Kleenex drums. If Julia and I don't have kids (together), I will be very sad. It is likely I will be very sad.
Screw it. Here's that video, but embedded, so you can be lazy and fall in love at the same time. Keep in mind, since this blog is about things that suck...
THANKSGIVING FOOTBALL GAMES
I really could cover this with the following:
BARRY SANDERS DOESN'T PLAY FOR THE LIONS ANYMORE, GODDAMNIT. SERIOUSLY YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, HE RETIRED LIKE 10 YEARS AGO AND THE LIONS HAVEN'T BEEN GOOD SINCE.
That's really all I need to say, but I'll continue... let's look at the scores of the three games played today:
Titans 47, Lions 10; Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9; Eagles 48, Cardinals 20
Seriously? I understand that it's now tradition to put the Lions on Thanksgiving day, but it's the same kind of tradition as beating up the scrawny kid in grade school every day who has too many freckles, too much asthma and not enough guns (yet). Everyone knows the result. Does whoever schedules these games think that the Lions would somehow provide even decent competition for any NFL team (excluding the Rams, of course)? Keep in mind, this is the same Lions team that just signed a quarterback with one knee who hasn't played a full season since 2004. The same team that had to do that to replace a guy named Dan Orlovsky (remember, that QB who ran out of the back of the end zone). The same team that has drafted a wide receiver with their first pick for, I think...the past 5 years. Sigh.
Again, tradition with the Cowboys. But why Seattle? They suck. Everyone knew they would suck. I'm pretty sure they had to sign homeless guys to play wideout, plus they have a bald quarterback. Terrible combination.
The Eagles/Cardinals game had some potential, but of course it was on NFL Network, so unless you have DirecTV or spend your Thanksgiving at a bar (so, I guess a lot of people), you probably didn't watch it. Well, don't worry, it sucked anyway. Kurt Warner decided not to throw touchdowns to my favorite fantasy player, Anquan Boldin, and consequently the Cardinals lost by 28. Oh, and cardinals and eagles and turkeys are birds, so, clearly this game made sense for Thanksgiving. I hate myself for making that comparison.
THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
Whoever watches this horseshit needs to identify themselves in public on a daily basis by wearing a shirt that says "I watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and promote the shittification of America." There is a litany of reasons why this event sucks:
- floats - WTF are these and who invented them? If it was the same person who named them, that person is an idiot. Sorry, but if I took a large horizontal vehicle and covered it in random shit that is likely frightening to children, I wouldn't name it something it most certainly couldn't do. Hey guys, check out this thing: it's a vessel that can only travel on water and is buoyant; I call it a sink.
- huge stupid balloons - A giant balloon version of Ronald McDonald would SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME in person. 1) Ronald McDonald is a serial rapist in clown makeup; 2) What if it exploded? Thousands dead. Their only purpose should be for getting rid of mischievous children by tying their hands to the balloon and telling them to hang on, then watching as they sail away into a world of never being annoying ever again. Until they return 30 years later wearing robotic suits with shoulder-mounted rockets and murder you for being a deadbeat parent, then take over our government.
- the time it's on - I don't have anything to do on Thanksgiving day except eat, sleep and maybe poop. If I don't get up early to do any of these three things, then I'm sure as hell not getting up early to watch a gay traffic jam.
- no tanks are involved - If I were to watch or participate in a parade, one of my prerequisites would be the involvement of military vehicles, namely huge tanks. As far as I'm concerned, unless we're not rolling ICBMs and tanks through Tiananmen Square, I'm not interested.
- parades make you gayer - This is indisputable and requires no explanation.
LACK OF TURKEYS MADE OF ALL WHITE MEAT
Short and sweet here: man on the moon, cloning, black president, nuclear weapons. Turkeys still have dark meat. WTF, scientists?
THE JONAS BROTHERS
I have no idea who these guys are, but they suck. It is pathetic that we are not only tortured with terrible matchups on Thanksgiving day, but are then stabbed in the ears and eyes by abominations of music such as these hacks during a halftime performance. Not only can they not sing (though I must commend them for actually attempting to do so and not lip-syncing), their music is more generic than Nickelback's. I guess FOX decided that their main audience was the 9-15, female demographic, and not the 18-80, drunk male demographic. Did no one at FOX know that both of these demographics could be satisfied with a Miley Cirus performance? This seems obvious.
EVERY MOMENT JULIA NUNES IS NOT MY WIFE AND/OR LOVER
Julia, the love of my life, has yet to ask me to marry her. Don't be hesitant to click her name - it's just a link to a YouTube video showing the most amazing person to walk this earth performing Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows on a ukelele, melodica, and Kleenex drums. If Julia and I don't have kids (together), I will be very sad. It is likely I will be very sad.
Screw it. Here's that video, but embedded, so you can be lazy and fall in love at the same time. Keep in mind, since this blog is about things that suck...
NOT HER
NOT HER
Monday, November 24, 2008
Totally New SUCK (Monday Edition)
People Whose Gender is Unidentifiable
Working at a retail store has bestowed upon me the opportunity to view and interact with countless types of people over the past few years. Generally, I try to refrain from any type of discrimination toward specific categories of individuals, whether they be women, men, the elderly, the young, black people, AZNs, Mexicans, or even white people. This cannot be attributed to my desire to be politically correct or not offensive; rather, it is because people from all backgrounds exhibit shitty qualities. Just because one group of people tend to proliferate their own stereotypes does not mean that their personal downfalls are necessarily a product of the group into which they are placed.
I have, however, found that one group of people specifically cause issues in my working life that are directly related to the "life container" into which they fit. The group to which I am referring are those who cannot be immediately identified as male or female. This condition is often caused by one or more of the following:
I should not have to perform even the most basic of investigations to determine your gender. If I cannot look in your direction and quickly arrive at a gender conclusion, there is a mild tragedy taking place. There should not have to be any considerations weighed, nor circumstances or actions studied in order for me to decide whether the person whom I just looked at is indeed male or female. If I cannot determine this without conducting a study or asking investigative questions, how am I supposed to greet you? I have run into situations in the past where I have made assumptions about someone's gender and been completely wrong, and thus treated disrespectfully by the person whose gender I misinterpreted. If it is up to interpretation as to what gender you are, then I do not consider it my fault for possibly addressing you as "sir" if you happen to have a vagina. Sorry, but I figured if you have a groomable mustache, you were probably a dude.
As I listed previously, there are distinct causes behind people of indistinguishable gender. What I believe to be the most prominent is morbid obesity. Just a hypothetical here: if you were hiking in the Rockies, and saw a mountain inexplicably moving toward you, would you be able to determine its gender? I didn't think so. Same problem here. Unforunately, some people are so large that it is nearly impossible to decide what gender they are without doing a physical. I would assume that most of these people would find it difficult to leave their homes, but apparently this is not the case. If true, this would leave gender issues at the door (or perhaps quite literally stuck in the door), and save society from the anguish involved in determining such a person's sex.
Another reason why I sometimes find it challenging to determine someone's gender is their poor hairstyle choice. This is applicable to both male and female. For instance, it seems that quite often a man purchasing World of Warcraft has hair that resembles that of a homeless Rapunzel: it is draped over his leather trenchcoat almost to his waist, and looks to have been used to mop a floor. The opposite is true for some women, who have CREW CUTS. Clearly the man with long hair is not looking to pick up women, so I suppose no one really needs to know his gender. But the Marine-haired woman? This confuses me. I can only speculate that she is trying to pick up women as well, by looking like a man and luring them into thinking she might indeed have a penis. Beware of this trap, unsuspecting, straight females. It is seductive, dangerous, and real.
Finally, I often fall victim to the third cause I listed above: surprising vocal frequency. I call this the Wizard of Oz Effect, as I feel that there must be some other person inside the deceiver controlling its voice. You know how sometimes on the phone you can't tell whom the other person is? Well, this is like that, except that person is right in front of you, speaking to you, and you still can't figure out whether that person is a man or a woman. Your eyes indcate to you that the thing you see is a woman, but your ears scream WAIT! STOP! DON'T MAKE THAT DECISION! THIS PERSON SOUNDS LIKE JAMES EARL JONESSSSSSSSSSS! Keep in mind that I'm not talking about transgender people who might have once possessed a penis but now have some opening in their nether-regions that resembles a baby chute; I mean people who were truly born as a certain gender and have not been modified. This same situation can be applied to a man with shoulder-length hair who has the voice of Jewel. Seriously, what the fuck...
Anyway, I think I have clearly described people whose gender happens to be a variable in a very complex equation which can only be solved through guess-and-check. This wouldn't be that big of an issue normally, as I can't see myself being that interested in anyone whom I cannot immediately identify as a woman, but in a work setting where I sometimes have to refer to people as "sir" and "ma'am", this causes many problems. It angers me the most that blame is shifted toward me because I made an incorrect assumption. This is disturbingly unfair. Rather, blame should be fully carried by people who cloak their gender from the outside world.
My final plea: unless you reproduce by budding, please indicate in some fashion whether you are male or female. If you cannot do this, you suck.
Working at a retail store has bestowed upon me the opportunity to view and interact with countless types of people over the past few years. Generally, I try to refrain from any type of discrimination toward specific categories of individuals, whether they be women, men, the elderly, the young, black people, AZNs, Mexicans, or even white people. This cannot be attributed to my desire to be politically correct or not offensive; rather, it is because people from all backgrounds exhibit shitty qualities. Just because one group of people tend to proliferate their own stereotypes does not mean that their personal downfalls are necessarily a product of the group into which they are placed.
I have, however, found that one group of people specifically cause issues in my working life that are directly related to the "life container" into which they fit. The group to which I am referring are those who cannot be immediately identified as male or female. This condition is often caused by one or more of the following:
- morbid obesity
- poor hairstyle choice
- surprising vocal frequency
I should not have to perform even the most basic of investigations to determine your gender. If I cannot look in your direction and quickly arrive at a gender conclusion, there is a mild tragedy taking place. There should not have to be any considerations weighed, nor circumstances or actions studied in order for me to decide whether the person whom I just looked at is indeed male or female. If I cannot determine this without conducting a study or asking investigative questions, how am I supposed to greet you? I have run into situations in the past where I have made assumptions about someone's gender and been completely wrong, and thus treated disrespectfully by the person whose gender I misinterpreted. If it is up to interpretation as to what gender you are, then I do not consider it my fault for possibly addressing you as "sir" if you happen to have a vagina. Sorry, but I figured if you have a groomable mustache, you were probably a dude.
As I listed previously, there are distinct causes behind people of indistinguishable gender. What I believe to be the most prominent is morbid obesity. Just a hypothetical here: if you were hiking in the Rockies, and saw a mountain inexplicably moving toward you, would you be able to determine its gender? I didn't think so. Same problem here. Unforunately, some people are so large that it is nearly impossible to decide what gender they are without doing a physical. I would assume that most of these people would find it difficult to leave their homes, but apparently this is not the case. If true, this would leave gender issues at the door (or perhaps quite literally stuck in the door), and save society from the anguish involved in determining such a person's sex.
Another reason why I sometimes find it challenging to determine someone's gender is their poor hairstyle choice. This is applicable to both male and female. For instance, it seems that quite often a man purchasing World of Warcraft has hair that resembles that of a homeless Rapunzel: it is draped over his leather trenchcoat almost to his waist, and looks to have been used to mop a floor. The opposite is true for some women, who have CREW CUTS. Clearly the man with long hair is not looking to pick up women, so I suppose no one really needs to know his gender. But the Marine-haired woman? This confuses me. I can only speculate that she is trying to pick up women as well, by looking like a man and luring them into thinking she might indeed have a penis. Beware of this trap, unsuspecting, straight females. It is seductive, dangerous, and real.
Finally, I often fall victim to the third cause I listed above: surprising vocal frequency. I call this the Wizard of Oz Effect, as I feel that there must be some other person inside the deceiver controlling its voice. You know how sometimes on the phone you can't tell whom the other person is? Well, this is like that, except that person is right in front of you, speaking to you, and you still can't figure out whether that person is a man or a woman. Your eyes indcate to you that the thing you see is a woman, but your ears scream WAIT! STOP! DON'T MAKE THAT DECISION! THIS PERSON SOUNDS LIKE JAMES EARL JONESSSSSSSSSSS! Keep in mind that I'm not talking about transgender people who might have once possessed a penis but now have some opening in their nether-regions that resembles a baby chute; I mean people who were truly born as a certain gender and have not been modified. This same situation can be applied to a man with shoulder-length hair who has the voice of Jewel. Seriously, what the fuck...
Anyway, I think I have clearly described people whose gender happens to be a variable in a very complex equation which can only be solved through guess-and-check. This wouldn't be that big of an issue normally, as I can't see myself being that interested in anyone whom I cannot immediately identify as a woman, but in a work setting where I sometimes have to refer to people as "sir" and "ma'am", this causes many problems. It angers me the most that blame is shifted toward me because I made an incorrect assumption. This is disturbingly unfair. Rather, blame should be fully carried by people who cloak their gender from the outside world.
My final plea: unless you reproduce by budding, please indicate in some fashion whether you are male or female. If you cannot do this, you suck.
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