Things That Suck

Misused, Pointless, Stupid, and Annoying Things People Say, Part One

I loathe being trite.  If there were some way for me to come up with a new, original phrase every time I spoke, I would do it.

Alright, I could do that - but I'm too lazy.

Instead, I revert to speaking that which has likely already been said.  I do make an effort not to utter overly-repeated, misused, and often stupid phrases which are tossed about carelessly like babies in a car without carseats driving over more babies; on a rough road, no less.

Unfortunately for me and the rest of us who are aware there is a proper way to speak, many people are guilty of such infanticide.  I hate these people; they suck, and these are the sucky things they often say:

Could care less

Could you?  Then why don't you?  You must be so disinterested in your lack of caring that you decided to avoid caring at the least possible level, and instead care at some pedestrian, half-assed, neither bountiful nor depleted level.  Why even mention, then, that you could care less?  Is it necessary to let everyone know that you sort of care about something, just not enough to shut the fuck up about it?  Your middle-of-the-road caring has produced an oversight regarding what you most likely intended to say: you couldn't care less.

I suspect that it is possible you really meant what you said...if you were talking about something asinine like grapefruits or stamp prices.  These are things that you could care less about if you really felt like it.

Some things I couldn't care less about:

• people who say could care less
  
• whether Barry Bonds plays baseball again
• baseball
• my business classes
• women's basketball*

*unless played naked

...but he's a nice guy

I call this the "eternal cop out."

Actual conversation where "...but he's a nice guy" is used:

Well-informed Gentleman: I do say, Disillusioned Lady, Constable Jefferson is a rather peculiar  and unlikeable fellow.
Disillusioned Lady: Oh dear! Why would you say such a thing, Well-informed Gentleman?
Well-informed Gentleman: He is just dreadful to be around; constantly being a real wanker.
Disillusioned Lady: I suppose you may be right...
Well-informed Gentleman: Indeed! Furthermore, he is a considerably daft bastard and poor at billiards and polo, not to mention entirely incapable of fox hunting!
Disillusioned Lady: Though I must agree on all counts, I find that Constable Jefferson, despite his plethora of flaws and shortcomings, is a nice bloke.
Well-informed Gentleman: Bollocks! What does that have to do with any of the facts I have presented?
Disillusioned Lady: Nothing, I suppose. I was merely offering a retort to your disparaging statements.
Well-informed Gentleman: That is not a retort, Disillusioned Lady.  It is a poorly-formed excuse for every one of his faults!
Disillusioned Lady: But...but...he is--
Well-informed Gentleman: Rubbish!

As you can see, in this direct excerpt from a real conversation that took place in 1783, "...but he's a nice guy" has been used for centuries mostly by women in order to excuse a man who sucks at life.  In this case, Constable Jefferson sounds like a worthless piece of shit, but is excused for being a nice guy by the Disillusioned Lady.  Even if this man really is a nice guy, it unfortunately does not make up for his general lack of any life skills.  Being nice is easy; it should not be praised so heavily and used as a means of excusing someone from sucking at everything else.

Bless you!

Whoever came up with this saying was clearly retarded.  No need to debate its origin; being blessed for sneezing is exactly the same as someone commending you for farting.  Now, I say this myself, and I clearly can't be mad at myself, hate myself, or think I suck, can I?

No.

So I have to hate the person who came up with this dumb phrase.  I hate the reasoning behind saying it.  I hate the circumstances surrounding it when said.  I hate everything to do with this overused, pointless, useless saying.

First of all, in case this part isn't clear: one need not be blessed for his or her nose involuntarily reacting to some stimulus.  Your "soul" is staying put.  You're not going to fly up to Jesus just because some shit flew out of your nose in response to pet dander.

Second, why are you judging me for not saying it?  YOU JUST FUCKING SNEEZED.  An appropriate response to this would be, "Dude, don't sneeze on me, you unsanitary bastard," not some response sanctifying the person for adding germs to the environment.  I get angry when people think that I should say "bless you" if they sneeze (if you couldn't tell that already).  They think I'm not being polite, and are sometimes OFFENDED.  How is that polite??????????????????????????????  Next time you drop a foul smelling, infant-sized deuce, I'll be sure to commend you for such a deed, lest I be judged!  Sorry, but I don't see any legitimate reasoning for dignifying someone's sneeze, unless they managed to cure AIDS in the process of sneezing.

Third, if I do say it the first time, do I have to say it the next eight times you sneeze?  I don't know the rules for sneeze blessing, and if I did, I'm sure I wouldn't understand them.  Following this, I feel that people with more allergies are being blessed way more often than the rest of us.  That is absolutely unfair.  Just because you aren't normal doesn't mean you deserve more blessings than I do.  Nobody goes around blessing midgets just for being tiny.  Also, what if somebody sneezes and a priest is around?  Does he say "bless you"?  If not, is that priest an asshole?

Well, yeah. 

ATM machine/PIN number

Based on these two common phrases, ATMs must be the most redundant technology on the planet.

It's really simple here: ATM stands for automated teller machine.  PIN stands for personal indentification number.  These are A-C-R-O-N-Y-M-S.  There's no need to repeat the last word twice.  Do you say CD discs?  UFO object?  OJ juice (unless referring to OJ Simpson's semen)?  JFK Kennedy?  I could go on forever.

Just stop.  Please.