Things That Suck

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I have decided to write about several things that suck today.  It's only fair to provide a vast (read: limited) selection of suckiness on a day that features vast amounts of food (you could read through the lines here and conclude that I just don't have a lot to say about one topic; I would not argue with you).  Hopefully, this entry will not compare to turkey in that it induces sleep, but rather in some awkward, meaty, juicy comparison. 

THANKSGIVING FOOTBALL GAMES

I really could cover this with the following:


BARRY SANDERS DOESN'T PLAY FOR THE LIONS ANYMORE, GODDAMNIT.  SERIOUSLY YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, HE RETIRED LIKE 10 YEARS AGO AND THE LIONS HAVEN'T BEEN GOOD SINCE.


That's really all I need to say, but I'll continue... let's look at the scores of the three games played today:

Titans 47, Lions 10; Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9;  Eagles 48, Cardinals 20

Seriously?  I understand that it's now tradition to put the Lions on Thanksgiving day, but it's the same kind of tradition as beating up the scrawny kid in grade school every day who has too many freckles, too much asthma and not enough guns (yet).  Everyone knows the result.  Does whoever schedules these games think that the Lions would somehow provide even decent competition for any NFL team (excluding the Rams, of course)?  Keep in mind, this is the same Lions team that just signed a quarterback with one knee who hasn't played a full season since 2004.  The same team that had to do that to replace a guy named Dan Orlovsky (remember, that QB who ran out of the back of the end zone).  The same team that has drafted a wide receiver with their first pick for, I think...the past 5 years.  Sigh.

Again, tradition with the Cowboys.  But why Seattle?  They suck.  Everyone knew they would suck.  I'm pretty sure they had to sign homeless guys to play wideout, plus they have a bald quarterback.  Terrible combination.

The Eagles/Cardinals game had some potential, but of course it was on NFL Network, so unless you have DirecTV or spend your Thanksgiving at a bar (so, I guess a lot of people), you probably didn't watch it.  Well, don't worry, it sucked anyway.  Kurt Warner decided not to throw touchdowns to my favorite fantasy player, Anquan Boldin, and consequently the Cardinals lost by 28.  Oh, and cardinals and eagles and turkeys are birds, so, clearly this game made sense for Thanksgiving.  I hate myself for making that comparison.

THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE

Whoever watches this horseshit needs to identify themselves in public on a daily basis by wearing a shirt that says "I watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and promote the shittification of America."  There is a litany of reasons why this event sucks:

• floats - WTF are these and who invented them?  If it was the same person who named them, that person is an idiot.  Sorry, but if I took a large horizontal vehicle and covered it in random shit that is likely frightening to children, I wouldn't name it something it most certainly couldn't do.  Hey guys, check out this thing: it's a vessel that can only travel on water and is buoyant; I call it a sink.
• huge stupid balloons - A giant balloon version of Ronald McDonald would SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME in person.  1) Ronald McDonald is a serial rapist in clown makeup; 2) What if it exploded?  Thousands dead.  Their only purpose should be for getting rid of mischievous children by tying their hands to the balloon and telling them to hang on, then watching as they sail away into a world of never being annoying ever again.  Until they return 30 years later wearing robotic suits with shoulder-mounted rockets and murder you for being a deadbeat parent, then take over our government.
  
• the time it's on - I don't have anything to do on Thanksgiving day except eat, sleep and maybe poop.  If I don't get up early to do any of these three things, then I'm sure as hell not getting up early to watch a gay traffic jam. 
• no tanks are involved - If I were to watch or participate in a parade, one of my prerequisites would be the involvement of military vehicles, namely huge tanks.  As far as I'm concerned, unless we're not rolling ICBMs and tanks through Tiananmen Square, I'm not interested.
• parades make you gayer - This is indisputable and requires no explanation.

Usually a consolation prize of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is a decent number of hot chicks.  Since it's cold out, this is mostly pointless.  Today, whoever watched got RickRolled.  Deserving.

LACK OF TURKEYS MADE OF ALL WHITE MEAT

Short and sweet here: man on the moon, cloning, black president, nuclear weapons. Turkeys still have dark meat.  WTF, scientists?

THE JONAS BROTHERS

I have no idea who these guys are, but they suck.  It is pathetic that we are not only tortured with terrible matchups on Thanksgiving day, but are then stabbed in the ears and eyes by abominations of music such as these hacks during a halftime performance.  Not only can they not sing (though I must commend them for actually attempting to do so and not lip-syncing), their music is more generic than Nickelback's.  I guess FOX decided that their main audience was the 9-15, female demographic, and not the 18-80, drunk male demographic.  Did no one at FOX know that both of these demographics could be satisfied with a Miley Cirus performance?  This seems obvious.

EVERY MOMENT JULIA NUNES IS NOT MY WIFE AND/OR LOVER

Julia, the love of my life, has yet to ask me to marry her.  Don't be hesitant to click her name - it's just a link to a YouTube video showing the most amazing person to walk this earth performing Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows on a ukelele, melodica, and Kleenex drums.  If Julia and I don't have kids (together), I will be very sad.  It is likely I will be very sad.

Screw it. Here's that video, but embedded, so you can be lazy and fall in love at the same time. Keep in mind, since this blog is about things that suck...