Monday, September 1, 2008
Wednesday's SUCK
DELAYED MORNING WOOD
Today's topic is perhaps one of the worst afflictions in the modern world. I liken it to HIV/AIDS in both the magnitude of its victims and the method of its onset.
Delayed morning wood is a disease whose only visible symptom is a GIANT ERECTION AT AN INAPPROPRIATE TIME AND PLACE. It occurs later than normal morning wood does (...hence the adjective "delayed"); somewhere around one to two hours after waking up. As a general note for the unfamiliar, normal morning wood usually occurs almost directly after a man rises (lolololol) from his slumber. Accompanying an alarm is usually what appears to be a box spring from one's mattress that has somehow poked through the top and is now raising the sheets above one's body. Despite the unlikelihood of this event, it can be used as an excuse to confuse an outside observer.
Unfortunately, men suffering from delayed morning wood are often confused with pedophiles and people with general sexual issues. Based on my own studies, I would estimate that 91% of all public indecency cases are the result of delayed morning wood being mistaken for intended inappropriate sexual display.
I have experienced delayed morning wood directly - thankfully not indirectly - and I can verify that it is not desirable. The most vivid memories of my affliction stem from pitching tents in Psychology 101 during my freshman year. I suppose I was lucky that this was not Child Psychology, or some class involving lying on my back for a fifty minute duration or standing in close proximity to others' faces and asses. Nonetheless, it was a maelstrom of non-desirable circumstances. The class consisted of approximately 150 people, all eager to learn about interesting case studies involving railroad ties being rammed through an individual's brain, and surprisingly not eager to witness what appeared to be the same device in my pants.
Luckily I was able to disguise my late-arriving friend through various means. Had I not been so successful, however, I would most likely have been subject to much ridicule and questioning. I feared that someone would eventually wonder why I decided to bring a carrot to class; much less one that I carried in my trousers. I suspect that others have not been so successful.
Delayed morning wood most likely occurs because one awakens before their normal, biological time. For myself, this is something like 12PM. However, my Psychology class was at 10AM, so, near the end of class, my body was like oh shit wtf you're awake? why didn't you say anything goddamnit? oh well here's a boner. I mean, I'm paraphrasing, but it was basically like that.
In summary, if a guy has an inappropriate erection and isn't wearing a public masturbator trench coat, driving a serial killer van, or hasn't shaved for a while and has developed a pedophile beard (all demonstrated here), check the time...he might just be suffering from delayed morning wood. Have some compassion, please.
Today's topic is perhaps one of the worst afflictions in the modern world. I liken it to HIV/AIDS in both the magnitude of its victims and the method of its onset.
Delayed morning wood is a disease whose only visible symptom is a GIANT ERECTION AT AN INAPPROPRIATE TIME AND PLACE. It occurs later than normal morning wood does (...hence the adjective "delayed"); somewhere around one to two hours after waking up. As a general note for the unfamiliar, normal morning wood usually occurs almost directly after a man rises (lolololol) from his slumber. Accompanying an alarm is usually what appears to be a box spring from one's mattress that has somehow poked through the top and is now raising the sheets above one's body. Despite the unlikelihood of this event, it can be used as an excuse to confuse an outside observer.
Unfortunately, men suffering from delayed morning wood are often confused with pedophiles and people with general sexual issues. Based on my own studies, I would estimate that 91% of all public indecency cases are the result of delayed morning wood being mistaken for intended inappropriate sexual display.
I have experienced delayed morning wood directly - thankfully not indirectly - and I can verify that it is not desirable. The most vivid memories of my affliction stem from pitching tents in Psychology 101 during my freshman year. I suppose I was lucky that this was not Child Psychology, or some class involving lying on my back for a fifty minute duration or standing in close proximity to others' faces and asses. Nonetheless, it was a maelstrom of non-desirable circumstances. The class consisted of approximately 150 people, all eager to learn about interesting case studies involving railroad ties being rammed through an individual's brain, and surprisingly not eager to witness what appeared to be the same device in my pants.
Luckily I was able to disguise my late-arriving friend through various means. Had I not been so successful, however, I would most likely have been subject to much ridicule and questioning. I feared that someone would eventually wonder why I decided to bring a carrot to class; much less one that I carried in my trousers. I suspect that others have not been so successful.
Delayed morning wood most likely occurs because one awakens before their normal, biological time. For myself, this is something like 12PM. However, my Psychology class was at 10AM, so, near the end of class, my body was like oh shit wtf you're awake? why didn't you say anything goddamnit? oh well here's a boner. I mean, I'm paraphrasing, but it was basically like that.
In summary, if a guy has an inappropriate erection and isn't wearing a public masturbator trench coat, driving a serial killer van, or hasn't shaved for a while and has developed a pedophile beard (all demonstrated here), check the time...he might just be suffering from delayed morning wood. Have some compassion, please.
# posted by Joey : 9:47 PM
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