Monday, September 1, 2008
Monday's SUCK
UNNECESSARY, UNPROVOKED AND INCORRECT PLURALIZATION
So prevalent in today's society is the lack of and disregard for proper use of grammar. As an anal sonuvabitch, this really bothers me.
Let's begin with a concise review of how not to pluralize anything: by adding an apostrophe and an S.
An example: You learned this shit in sixth grade, you idiot.
What if I wanted to refer to more than one idiot? Would I arbitrarily add an apostrophe, throw on an S and call it a fuckin' day?
NO.
Why do people do this? I don't get it. The same goes with these other common, but equally wrong, mistakes:
"Sometimes (and really, only sometimes, I swear) I like to try to fit my penis inside the holes on CD's."
I have no qualms with this man's activities. Who I am to judge the sexual exploits of others? However, despite his penchant for trying to re-enact putting PLAY-DOH (yeah that's how it's spelled, assholes) through that weird plastic pasta-making thing (couldn't they have made something that would have instilled better life skills in children, like the... PLAY-DOH How to Work at a Fortune 500 Company by Making Shit Out of Clay That Tastes Like Salt Super Fun Kit), his grammar sucks. It's not CD's.
The same with years expressed numerically. I was conceived in a test tube in the 1980s, not the 1980's. However, the 1980's technological offerings enabled me to exist and to later bitch about inane things like this topic.
The ultimate goal of this post lies in the first two adjectives that describe the title.
Question: Have you ever been to Kroger's?
If you answered no, are female, and live in the midwest, you may possibly be the love of my life. Please consider contacting me if interested in pursuing a meaningful, passionate, grammatically sound relationship, or if you've just always wondered, What is it like to have sex with a horse?.
If you answered yes, well... you're a liar. No one has ever been to Kroger's. Actually, I rescind that statement. You know who's been to Kroger's?
Bigfoot. Bigfoot has been to Kroger's. He buys his condoms there. Yetis (not Yeti's!) buy ice cream at Kroger's. Fucking Santa Clause buys all of his gifts there. Chupacabras particularly enjoy their selection of salsa. In fact, if I hadn't actually been to a Sonic restaurant, I'd assume it was owned and operated by the same people who own Kroger's.
Hopefully you see my point. If not...well, all hope for you is probably lost. If you're saying to yourself, What is he talking about? I just got some stuff at Kroger's a few days ago... STOP. Think. The name of the store is...
wait for it...
KROGER.
Crazy, right!??!! I know it's hard to believe that the store isn't actually called [its actual name] + random apostrophe + S, but take some time to think about that.
Still a bit unsure about your favorite grocery store's name? Let's look at this from a different perspective...
If I told you I just got back from "Walmart's", wouldn't you have a bit of an issue with what I just said? You might say something like "from Walmart's...what? Walmart's Employees Work for Free Day? Walmart's One Day of the Year Where You Don't Feel Guilty Buying Stuff from Us because We're Donating .01% of Our Profits to Charity Day? What about, Walmart's This Joke is Getting Old Really Fast Day? I'm confused." Hopefully you would at least be cacophonous and acerbic in your criticism.
Just like you've never been to or heard of Giant Eagle's, you've never been to and will never go to Kroger's. It just simply isn't real, and you're a bastard for proliferating its faux name.
As a plea, I beg you to stop butchering the English language. I understand it has been an asshole to you throughout your schooling, but, like John McCain, it has been through enough torture.
So prevalent in today's society is the lack of and disregard for proper use of grammar. As an anal sonuvabitch, this really bothers me.
Let's begin with a concise review of how not to pluralize anything: by adding an apostrophe and an S.
An example: You learned this shit in sixth grade, you idiot.
What if I wanted to refer to more than one idiot? Would I arbitrarily add an apostrophe, throw on an S and call it a fuckin' day?
NO.
Why do people do this? I don't get it. The same goes with these other common, but equally wrong, mistakes:
"Sometimes (and really, only sometimes, I swear) I like to try to fit my penis inside the holes on CD's."
I have no qualms with this man's activities. Who I am to judge the sexual exploits of others? However, despite his penchant for trying to re-enact putting PLAY-DOH (yeah that's how it's spelled, assholes) through that weird plastic pasta-making thing (couldn't they have made something that would have instilled better life skills in children, like the... PLAY-DOH How to Work at a Fortune 500 Company by Making Shit Out of Clay That Tastes Like Salt Super Fun Kit), his grammar sucks. It's not CD's.
The same with years expressed numerically. I was conceived in a test tube in the 1980s, not the 1980's. However, the 1980's technological offerings enabled me to exist and to later bitch about inane things like this topic.
The ultimate goal of this post lies in the first two adjectives that describe the title.
Question: Have you ever been to Kroger's?
If you answered no, are female, and live in the midwest, you may possibly be the love of my life. Please consider contacting me if interested in pursuing a meaningful, passionate, grammatically sound relationship, or if you've just always wondered, What is it like to have sex with a horse?.
If you answered yes, well... you're a liar. No one has ever been to Kroger's. Actually, I rescind that statement. You know who's been to Kroger's?
Bigfoot. Bigfoot has been to Kroger's. He buys his condoms there. Yetis (not Yeti's!) buy ice cream at Kroger's. Fucking Santa Clause buys all of his gifts there. Chupacabras particularly enjoy their selection of salsa. In fact, if I hadn't actually been to a Sonic restaurant, I'd assume it was owned and operated by the same people who own Kroger's.
Hopefully you see my point. If not...well, all hope for you is probably lost. If you're saying to yourself, What is he talking about? I just got some stuff at Kroger's a few days ago... STOP. Think. The name of the store is...
wait for it...
KROGER.
Crazy, right!??!! I know it's hard to believe that the store isn't actually called [its actual name] + random apostrophe + S, but take some time to think about that.
Still a bit unsure about your favorite grocery store's name? Let's look at this from a different perspective...
If I told you I just got back from "Walmart's", wouldn't you have a bit of an issue with what I just said? You might say something like "from Walmart's...what? Walmart's Employees Work for Free Day? Walmart's One Day of the Year Where You Don't Feel Guilty Buying Stuff from Us because We're Donating .01% of Our Profits to Charity Day? What about, Walmart's This Joke is Getting Old Really Fast Day? I'm confused." Hopefully you would at least be cacophonous and acerbic in your criticism.
Just like you've never been to or heard of Giant Eagle's, you've never been to and will never go to Kroger's. It just simply isn't real, and you're a bastard for proliferating its faux name.
As a plea, I beg you to stop butchering the English language. I understand it has been an asshole to you throughout your schooling, but, like John McCain, it has been through enough torture.
# posted by Joey : 2:17 AM
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