Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday's SUCK
This should be a continuation of Tuesday’s suck, since I’m still stuck in Amish country, but I did manage to leech the wireless internet across the street from the clearly normal people living there. The only issue I encountered with this was that I had to plug my laptop into an outlet attached to a sign near the road, and sit by the road late at night to receive any signal. Regardless, it was worth it to not have my coverage dropped every minute or two. Luckily people don’t worry about password protecting their networks.
I should mention that one thing that DOESN’T suck about this place is the potential for humor that lies in these memory books in the cabin. Apparently when one stays here, something is supposed to be left for the next person to read (and also, I’m sure, for the people who own this place to read and then subsequently feel better about themselves). People have written things like “Thanks for the cookies, they were great!” or “The cabin was so peaceful, and the lake was fun.”; generic stuff. I have a few ideas of what I want to write (as a basis for this…there are no televisions, you are not allowed to drink, and the area where we stayed was a living room with a lofted bed):
Back to what actually sucks:
COBWEBS THAT APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE
I don’t have much to say about these, other than that they have plagued me nearly my entire life. It seems that when I least expect it, I walk into a cobweb that cannot be detected by any means other than casual, unaware walking. Looking for these things is useless. They make me feel like a surprised porn star, because every time I’m fucking sauntering about, BOOM, one of them EXPLODES ON MY FACE. Somehow, out of nowhere, an invisible web of ANNOYANCE and SHOCK woven by a spider of equal invisibility and cloaking skill sticks directly on me. Clearly this web is weak and pathetic, as I break through it easily. However, what is the purpose of your web, asshole translucent spider? Did you really anticipate catching a full grown man in your web? Or did you just want to make me look like a moron, wiping an invisible substance off my face like a blind Jenna Jameson being unloaded on by Hollow Man (I mean, his jizz was invisible too, right? Right.) I think your motives lie in the mimickry of this seedy industry, and I frown upon you and your unavoidable webs.
I should mention that one thing that DOESN’T suck about this place is the potential for humor that lies in these memory books in the cabin. Apparently when one stays here, something is supposed to be left for the next person to read (and also, I’m sure, for the people who own this place to read and then subsequently feel better about themselves). People have written things like “Thanks for the cookies, they were great!” or “The cabin was so peaceful, and the lake was fun.”; generic stuff. I have a few ideas of what I want to write (as a basis for this…there are no televisions, you are not allowed to drink, and the area where we stayed was a living room with a lofted bed):
- The cabin was fantastic. Really liked the serenity of it—also enjoyed the 3 huge TVs! Big surprise! They were tricky to find though.
- Loved the cabin and the homemade moonshine you left us.
- Had a terrible weekend; our five year old son was carried off by bears while we were fishing and we have not seen him since. Please inform us if anyone sees him. Otherwise, great weekend!
- Cabin was awesome! Enjoyed the fresh breakfast every morning. Hid a $100 bill somewhere in the cabin for the next guest!
- The basement was a big surprise, enjoyed the Amish-built workout equipment down there!
- Cabin smelled of rotting corpses, but otherwise, peaceful weekend.
- Got divorced. Thanks.
- I was able to murder my fiancé here without anyone noticing. Lake provided good dumping place, though didn’t know bodies floated that easily! Thanks for the opportunity; I’ll definitely be back sometime.
- Sorry about the cabin; will help you rebuild if necessary.
- Who is the man who knocks on the door repeatedly every night? Otherwise, quiet and serene getaway!
- Didn’t know there were crocodiles in Ohio! Regardless, fantastic week. Driving stick with one arm might be difficult. Thanks for the cookies!
Back to what actually sucks:
COBWEBS THAT APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE
I don’t have much to say about these, other than that they have plagued me nearly my entire life. It seems that when I least expect it, I walk into a cobweb that cannot be detected by any means other than casual, unaware walking. Looking for these things is useless. They make me feel like a surprised porn star, because every time I’m fucking sauntering about, BOOM, one of them EXPLODES ON MY FACE. Somehow, out of nowhere, an invisible web of ANNOYANCE and SHOCK woven by a spider of equal invisibility and cloaking skill sticks directly on me. Clearly this web is weak and pathetic, as I break through it easily. However, what is the purpose of your web, asshole translucent spider? Did you really anticipate catching a full grown man in your web? Or did you just want to make me look like a moron, wiping an invisible substance off my face like a blind Jenna Jameson being unloaded on by Hollow Man (I mean, his jizz was invisible too, right? Right.) I think your motives lie in the mimickry of this seedy industry, and I frown upon you and your unavoidable webs.
# posted by Joey : 10:49 PM
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