Thursday, August 7, 2008
Tuesday's SUCK
THE AMISH
Seriously Jeremiah, no TVs? I don’t get it.
I suppose I should elaborate a tad…
I’m sitting on the porch of an Amish cabin/house/dwelling, under an electric light, mind you, writing this because I can’t watch baseball highlights on SportsCenter tonight. See what I’ve become without one day of television? A monster. I vehemently hate baseball, and for me to wish to see highlights of something I hate is akin to the parents of JonBenét Ramsey asking for footage of their daughters’ murder to watch with a bowl of popcorn and a Bud Select.
The Amish suck for several reasons, which I shall enumerate:
I’m certain there are more than six things that suck about Amish people, but these are the most prominent.
Seriously Jeremiah, no TVs? I don’t get it.
I suppose I should elaborate a tad…
I’m sitting on the porch of an Amish cabin/house/dwelling, under an electric light, mind you, writing this because I can’t watch baseball highlights on SportsCenter tonight. See what I’ve become without one day of television? A monster. I vehemently hate baseball, and for me to wish to see highlights of something I hate is akin to the parents of JonBenét Ramsey asking for footage of their daughters’ murder to watch with a bowl of popcorn and a Bud Select.
The Amish suck for several reasons, which I shall enumerate:
- A la carte Amishness: They don’t have televisions, but they do have phones, computers (but no internet), CD players, electricity, and they take CREDIT CARDS as forms of payment in their homes. Since when can you pick and choose?
- They don’t allow alcohol or gambling. No betting that someone can’t drink something in an absurdly low amount of time.
- Ridiculous beards. Sorry, but unless you are Zach Galifiniakis, a participant in a bet/challenge, Abraham Lincoln, Blackbeard, or an offensive lineman, you should not have a huge beard. It serves no purpose other than to make the rest of your face look stupid. Flip a baseball field upside down and you have a rather good idea of what an egregiously-bearded man looks like, only with a green beard, rather red skin, three mouths, and one eye. That was a fucking terrible comparison.
- Fucking huge, Power Ranger spiders. One almost killed me. Luckily, I smashed it. Unfortunately, the first time I smashed it, it merely released literally THOUSANDS of smaller (and for the purposes of hyperbole, more deadly) spiders. Apparently this spider was just assembled from smaller spiders, like the Power Rangers used to do when they formed whatever the fuck that big robot thing was. This spider required two murders, which is rare. I suspect the remnants of its existence are plotting revenge as I type.
- Attributing normal, everyday events (only good ones) to God’s blessings and mercy. The lady working here said that she was so thankful that it rained, because “God is so kind and merciful that he sent us rain”. Sigh. God also invented TVs. Use them.
- Every Amish restaurant has the same goddamn food, and it sucks. There is absolutely no originality in Amish food. Here’s a common Amish recipe: some type of meat, a form of potatoes, and no added flavors whatsoever. Possibly breading. Just that, probably with gravy on both items, and some bread, is Amish food. Anyone can make Amish food. It takes no skill, the most common ingredients possible, and only has one absolute requirement: it can’t be healthy at all, because grills don’t exist for the Amish. Everything must be fried, or if baked, MUST BE COVERED IN GRAVY made from fat.
I’m certain there are more than six things that suck about Amish people, but these are the most prominent.
# posted by Joey : 10:45 PM
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