Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday's SUCK
ENDLESS SHITS
We've all had them: a seemingly infinite shit whose only approachable bound is the amount of toilet paper remaining on your roll. These always seem to come at the wrong times; right before you have to leave for something, when you're already running late, when all of your friends know you're in the bathroom taking a shit and it takes 25 minutes (yes, there is an explanation required for such a lengthy liaison with the lavatory), or when you're almost out of toilet paper.
I consider pooping to be one of my pastimes. I often enjoy relaxing on the toilet. Its time I get to spend with my ass that, if not for the necessity of shitting, I would otherwise not enjoy. Sure, you can spend time with other people's asses in various ways; if you can find a cup and a couple girls, you could even have a grand ol' time. It is a rare occurrence that one gets to spend time with their own ass, and I want this time to be peaceful. I don't want to have to work during this time, tediously toiling at my own waste valve so long that by the time I'm done, all I want to do is get the hell out of the bathroom.
Endless shits often ruin the next few hours of my life, because I always spend them wondering if I really did finish wiping. This is my primary concern. If I didn't completely finish, eventually I'm just going to have an itchy asshole, and this could potentially be even worse than an endless shit.
I think the worst part of this whole problem is that there is no apparent solution. The only one I can think of is to just not eat. If anyone knows any anorexic people, can you please ask them for me if they experience endless shits? I think I'd sacrifice food in exchange for the removal of endless shits from my life.
In case there's SOMEBODY out there who has never experienced this terrible event, I'll give a brief comparison. You know how at a deli, they take a big chunk of meat and just shave off small slices over and over? That's an endless shit, just in an edible, tasty form. You just keep removing poop after poop, but it never, ever ends. It's impossible to leave the bathroom satisfied. There's never a, "Alright good, I'm done - the paper is clean this time" moment. It's just, "Ok...that looks basically the same as the last time. Let me try again... ooookkk, same thing again..."; this just continues with no impending finale. You leave feeling worthless, like you've been trying to achieve something so simple for so long, but it has just been out of your reach.
I hope that one day, it will be socially acceptable to take friends to the bathroom to make sure your ass gets thoroughly wiped. Equipped with baby wipes and a small mirror, they could be at the ready outside the stall, eagerly awaiting your beckoning to tidy up your dirty work. Perhaps women have already conquered this problem, as they seem to take flocks of each other with them to the restroom.
Women, I commend you for conquering endless shits.
We've all had them: a seemingly infinite shit whose only approachable bound is the amount of toilet paper remaining on your roll. These always seem to come at the wrong times; right before you have to leave for something, when you're already running late, when all of your friends know you're in the bathroom taking a shit and it takes 25 minutes (yes, there is an explanation required for such a lengthy liaison with the lavatory), or when you're almost out of toilet paper.
I consider pooping to be one of my pastimes. I often enjoy relaxing on the toilet. Its time I get to spend with my ass that, if not for the necessity of shitting, I would otherwise not enjoy. Sure, you can spend time with other people's asses in various ways; if you can find a cup and a couple girls, you could even have a grand ol' time. It is a rare occurrence that one gets to spend time with their own ass, and I want this time to be peaceful. I don't want to have to work during this time, tediously toiling at my own waste valve so long that by the time I'm done, all I want to do is get the hell out of the bathroom.
Endless shits often ruin the next few hours of my life, because I always spend them wondering if I really did finish wiping. This is my primary concern. If I didn't completely finish, eventually I'm just going to have an itchy asshole, and this could potentially be even worse than an endless shit.
I think the worst part of this whole problem is that there is no apparent solution. The only one I can think of is to just not eat. If anyone knows any anorexic people, can you please ask them for me if they experience endless shits? I think I'd sacrifice food in exchange for the removal of endless shits from my life.
In case there's SOMEBODY out there who has never experienced this terrible event, I'll give a brief comparison. You know how at a deli, they take a big chunk of meat and just shave off small slices over and over? That's an endless shit, just in an edible, tasty form. You just keep removing poop after poop, but it never, ever ends. It's impossible to leave the bathroom satisfied. There's never a, "Alright good, I'm done - the paper is clean this time" moment. It's just, "Ok...that looks basically the same as the last time. Let me try again... ooookkk, same thing again..."; this just continues with no impending finale. You leave feeling worthless, like you've been trying to achieve something so simple for so long, but it has just been out of your reach.
I hope that one day, it will be socially acceptable to take friends to the bathroom to make sure your ass gets thoroughly wiped. Equipped with baby wipes and a small mirror, they could be at the ready outside the stall, eagerly awaiting your beckoning to tidy up your dirty work. Perhaps women have already conquered this problem, as they seem to take flocks of each other with them to the restroom.
Women, I commend you for conquering endless shits.
# posted by Joey : 5:15 PM
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