Sunday, August 10, 2008
Saturday's SUCK
AUTO-TANGLING CORDS
I would like to point out a phenomenon that I have experienced for some time, and have not yet begun to solve. It is something that really bothers and befuddles me, as it tediously consumes my time, and yet has no apparent solution.
First, I just want to ask: have you ever put two ropes, electrical cords, wires, strings, or penises next to each other without them being tangled when one (or both) needs to be removed? Exactly - it's impossible. I've never once done this and been able to remove one of the objects without it being wrapped around and entangled with the other (especially penises), and I suspect you never have.
It seems that if any cords are put into a pile on the ground, and are left alone for an extended period of time, they become tangled. How is this possible? I could only fathom this scenario's plausibility in an equally-plausible situation:
At work in his jewelry shop, a very cautious and well-prepared Jew decides he no longer wants to live. However, it is nearly 7PM, and he never misses a rerun of Seinfeld. Desperate to return home to watch what he knows will be his last episode before his impending self-imposed demise, he grabs two (just in case) rather lengthy extension cords he has sitting around in his shop, tosses them haphazardly into his trunk, and drives the speed limit home.
Upon arriving in his driveway at 6:59PM, he rushes to his trunk to grab the cords before he heads inside. Much to his dismay, he is met with a pile of cords more tangled than the curls on his head. Being a man who is a bit obsessed with eliminating clutter, he immediately grabs the cords and relentlessly tries to untangle them. His initial efforts prove mostly futile. However, after a few moments of frenetic cord untangling, he succeeds in separating cord from cord. His reaction is that of joy and triumph.
The setting sun catches his watch briefly and sends a glint of light toward his face. He knows. He has missed Kramer's entrance. It is 7:08PM; time seems to stop.
He thinks, I am such a schmendrik! If I just hadn't spent so much time worrying about these cords, I could have seen my last episode. I was going to kill myself after the episode anyway; the cords could have been untangled then!
It is then that he decides he has the will to live. If I can live with missing an episode of Seinfeld, I can handle anything, he realizes. I want to live. Unfortunately, at nearly that same moment, he is struck by a large pickup truck barreling down his street. Both cords fly out of his hands, forming a fantastic literary parallel with the way his large intestine spews forth from his severely ruptured lower abdomen. The cords and digestive tract all fall to the ground in a heaping mess of what once helped him live and what was to help him die.
The police arrive shortly, as do the paramedics. Upon finding his mangled body, he is pronounced dead at 7:16PM. However, something peculiar has happened. One of the police officers notices something odd a few feet from the man's car: it appears the two electrical cords, once liberated and free, had become entangled with what looked like the man's missing large intestine. Realizing the impossibility of these things simply tangling themselves, the man's death is ruled accidental, due to what the coroner described as the "likely consumption of two 10 foot electrical cords, which, having passed through the stomach, broke through it and became wrapped around the large intestine. The deceased subsequently exploded."
The point of all this is that cords, ropes, and even penises, can tangle themselves with one another. The minute you turn your back on them, they become ensnared with each other. Never let them leave your sight. Ever. Otherwise, something shitty will happen to you like that COMPLETELY TRUE STORY.
I would like to point out a phenomenon that I have experienced for some time, and have not yet begun to solve. It is something that really bothers and befuddles me, as it tediously consumes my time, and yet has no apparent solution.
First, I just want to ask: have you ever put two ropes, electrical cords, wires, strings, or penises next to each other without them being tangled when one (or both) needs to be removed? Exactly - it's impossible. I've never once done this and been able to remove one of the objects without it being wrapped around and entangled with the other (especially penises), and I suspect you never have.
It seems that if any cords are put into a pile on the ground, and are left alone for an extended period of time, they become tangled. How is this possible? I could only fathom this scenario's plausibility in an equally-plausible situation:
At work in his jewelry shop, a very cautious and well-prepared Jew decides he no longer wants to live. However, it is nearly 7PM, and he never misses a rerun of Seinfeld. Desperate to return home to watch what he knows will be his last episode before his impending self-imposed demise, he grabs two (just in case) rather lengthy extension cords he has sitting around in his shop, tosses them haphazardly into his trunk, and drives the speed limit home.
Upon arriving in his driveway at 6:59PM, he rushes to his trunk to grab the cords before he heads inside. Much to his dismay, he is met with a pile of cords more tangled than the curls on his head. Being a man who is a bit obsessed with eliminating clutter, he immediately grabs the cords and relentlessly tries to untangle them. His initial efforts prove mostly futile. However, after a few moments of frenetic cord untangling, he succeeds in separating cord from cord. His reaction is that of joy and triumph.
The setting sun catches his watch briefly and sends a glint of light toward his face. He knows. He has missed Kramer's entrance. It is 7:08PM; time seems to stop.
He thinks, I am such a schmendrik! If I just hadn't spent so much time worrying about these cords, I could have seen my last episode. I was going to kill myself after the episode anyway; the cords could have been untangled then!
It is then that he decides he has the will to live. If I can live with missing an episode of Seinfeld, I can handle anything, he realizes. I want to live. Unfortunately, at nearly that same moment, he is struck by a large pickup truck barreling down his street. Both cords fly out of his hands, forming a fantastic literary parallel with the way his large intestine spews forth from his severely ruptured lower abdomen. The cords and digestive tract all fall to the ground in a heaping mess of what once helped him live and what was to help him die.
The police arrive shortly, as do the paramedics. Upon finding his mangled body, he is pronounced dead at 7:16PM. However, something peculiar has happened. One of the police officers notices something odd a few feet from the man's car: it appears the two electrical cords, once liberated and free, had become entangled with what looked like the man's missing large intestine. Realizing the impossibility of these things simply tangling themselves, the man's death is ruled accidental, due to what the coroner described as the "likely consumption of two 10 foot electrical cords, which, having passed through the stomach, broke through it and became wrapped around the large intestine. The deceased subsequently exploded."
The point of all this is that cords, ropes, and even penises, can tangle themselves with one another. The minute you turn your back on them, they become ensnared with each other. Never let them leave your sight. Ever. Otherwise, something shitty will happen to you like that COMPLETELY TRUE STORY.
# posted by Joey : 3:33 AM
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