Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday's SUCK
FARTING DURING NORMAL, EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES
I'd like to share with you a story about myself to which very few people are privy. I think that by sharing my cautionary tale with the rest of the world, I can shed light upon something that not only sucks, but can potentially be avoided through simple self-control.
As many of you are aware, I have a fairly liberal personality. This also means that other aspects of my life tend to lean a bit left at times. In this specific instance, the ASSpect (ah, puns...) of my life was, unfortunately, my liberal lower intestine.
Nearly two years ago, I was standing in my freshman dorm's cafeteria, unassumingly obtaining food so that I could scurry up to my room and consume it by myself in solitude. Unbeknownst to me, my colon was brewing a dangerous mix of the previous day's consumptions, and unfortunately seemed to be doing so on the "purée" setting.
As I began to pay for my food, I felt a gaseous outburst quickly approaching the outer regions of my ass canal. Normally, this would be a non-issue. It is here that I learned my lesson, and it is one that I will preach to you:
Do not carelessly, liberally, and unabashedly fart in the presence of others unless involved in some type of community shitting effort, or certain of the state of matter inside one's body.
The consequences of such actions are cataclysmic; I know first-hand because I did not heed this warning.
As I began to fart, I felt what seemed to be a waterfall of poo running down my once-clean leg at a rather quick pace. It was like Willy Wonka opened up a new factory in my ass and made my asshole the mouth of his chocolate river. In what seemed to be the longest few moments of my life, I paid for my food and scurried upstairs. Luckily, I was not wearing shorts; for if I had been, the floor would have flowed brown with my embarassment.
It was my brazen attitude toward careless farting that caused this whole debacle. Had I simply waited until I was alone, I would not have suffered through what was one of the worst days of my life.
Let this be a lesson to you: control your ass unless you've previously only consumed lead. You never know when your bowels might deceive you; what you think is air could turn out to be the equivalent of squeezing a GoGurt between your ass cheeks.
Beware.
I'd like to share with you a story about myself to which very few people are privy. I think that by sharing my cautionary tale with the rest of the world, I can shed light upon something that not only sucks, but can potentially be avoided through simple self-control.
As many of you are aware, I have a fairly liberal personality. This also means that other aspects of my life tend to lean a bit left at times. In this specific instance, the ASSpect (ah, puns...) of my life was, unfortunately, my liberal lower intestine.
Nearly two years ago, I was standing in my freshman dorm's cafeteria, unassumingly obtaining food so that I could scurry up to my room and consume it by myself in solitude. Unbeknownst to me, my colon was brewing a dangerous mix of the previous day's consumptions, and unfortunately seemed to be doing so on the "purée" setting.
As I began to pay for my food, I felt a gaseous outburst quickly approaching the outer regions of my ass canal. Normally, this would be a non-issue. It is here that I learned my lesson, and it is one that I will preach to you:
Do not carelessly, liberally, and unabashedly fart in the presence of others unless involved in some type of community shitting effort, or certain of the state of matter inside one's body.
The consequences of such actions are cataclysmic; I know first-hand because I did not heed this warning.
As I began to fart, I felt what seemed to be a waterfall of poo running down my once-clean leg at a rather quick pace. It was like Willy Wonka opened up a new factory in my ass and made my asshole the mouth of his chocolate river. In what seemed to be the longest few moments of my life, I paid for my food and scurried upstairs. Luckily, I was not wearing shorts; for if I had been, the floor would have flowed brown with my embarassment.
It was my brazen attitude toward careless farting that caused this whole debacle. Had I simply waited until I was alone, I would not have suffered through what was one of the worst days of my life.
Let this be a lesson to you: control your ass unless you've previously only consumed lead. You never know when your bowels might deceive you; what you think is air could turn out to be the equivalent of squeezing a GoGurt between your ass cheeks.
Beware.
# posted by Joey : 11:28 AM
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